“I shouldn’t have said that”, I think to myself, as my friend is laughing. I look into his eyes, and see joy. “But it’s true, she’s a fucking cow”, I say, and we both erupt in laughter, with a sly smile towards the end, knowing…
Later in the night, I flashback to the words I had spouted, and remember the feeling it gave me, for just that split-second; a chill of shame while I realized I was talking about a human being, a kind girl. A girl who had gladly, proudly, helped more people in ways I had only, pitifully meditated on in my day dreams. Her, bravely wearing her ‘black party dress’, the one her friends had taken her out and convinced/forced into letting them buy for her, and with all of her strength, pushing all those insecurities deep down, for just a few more hours, hopefully, until she could get home and try not to think about how badly she looked. Then, I remember looking into my friends eyes, luminescent with a hint of intoxication, and the feeling of acceptance, gratification almost, that those eyes were bestowing upon me.
I get home, and smoke a bowl to erase the memory. Four lengthy minutes later, I begin to feel the effects. My crown starts to go numb, while my face slowly softens. I tell myself “This is what I needed.”
An eternity goes by, so it seems, before I dare to let my mind speak. After only two rounds of murdering fictional characters on my 50 inch television, my mind starts to present itself…
“Cow, cow, cow, a mother fucking cow”, just quietly tickles near the back of subconscious. I can feel the words, fighting through any sensible part of my cortex, Two shotgun blasts to my computer generated opponents legs later, the phrase is now nearing the center of my head. The audibles, making their way down towards my ears, grow in intensity. Finally, with no chance left at keeping my conscience occupied, I let the words in; “cow, cow, kind, helpful, wonderful, sweet, caring, fat fucking cow”. I drop my controller, and flick my lighter to find my bag. As calmly as an exploding moral conscience will allow, my arm reaches for the bud to break it down further. My shaking fingers find the soft, sticky plant. As soon as my right pinky sweeps across the corner of this drug, I get a feeling not unlike when you see a WarHead candy sitting there on your table. My mind connected the weed to it’s physical effects, and gladly gave me a little taste. At this moment, I couldn’t force my hand any further into the plastic bag, it was no longer important.
I saw the girls face, in my clouded mind, as she was standing there in the corner. I felt her loneliness, as I was sitting on my couch. I felt her hopefulness, that tonight, a boy would recognize her, and not because she was in a group of beautiful girls, all dressed up and giving every primal sign for sex that had been bred into them, over millions of years, but for the fact that maybe, tonight, it was her who was looking good, giving off these primal signs she had doubts she even had. I saw the girls hands, one clutching her cellphone, trying to gain a brief sense of security from it, and the other, clutching a stool next to her, impatiently sending messages to her mind that she is wasting her time, she might as well just sit down, and give up.
I blink, and snap out of it. I find my self forcing a chuckle. I load a bowl, with my mind once again clear, and my vision once again back in this world. I light and inhale as quickly as possible, almost like an asthmatic fighting for his life, or a fish that had been thrown back, just a few feet short of the river, and after an agonizing minute of flopping around, finally got a sliver of his gill on the waters edge. I exhale, and realize my dog hasn’t taken her eyes off of me since I walked in the door. She notices that, I, now notice her, and joyfully jumps up next to me on the couch. I look her in the eyes, and she gazes back at me, and then down, as if she senses my disappointment. She puts her head onto my thigh, as she has over 13 years learned to do, hoping that it will cheer me up. I place my hand on her flat, soft, warm head. She gives me a quick lick with her tongue, stands up, rubs her nose onto my cheek, and goes back to sleep. That ten seconds had just made me feel like there was nothing wrong in this world, everything was so beautiful and pure…
I see my dog jump off the couch, with content in her eyes, knowing what she had just done. I knew from this look, that she found so much joy out of that quick simple act.
I close my eyes, now fully stoned, and again see the girls face, sitting on the stool this time, forcing a fake smile for her friends, struggling through making small talk with the stammering guy trying to impress her with the amount of people that had backed down from fighting him tonight. I could see her mind, processing all of the thoughts, emotions, jokes, and interesting topics she had been longing to talk about, with someone, anyone, with atleast a little bit of respect and intelligence. I see her quietly wondering to herself why she is even here..
Then, I flashback, back to the look of my friends’ laughing and exuberant eyes, right after I thoughtlessly say “But it’s true, she’s a fucking cow.”
And then I walk outside, sit in the lawn chair, and light a cig….
dansemtner 